


The Sylvan Moon Inn

by Tis_I_A_Small_Weirdo



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Fart, Farting, Flatulence, Maledom, eprochtophilia, facesitting, fartfetish, fartfic, flatulencefetish, gassyboy, malefart, maleflatulence, malegas, stinkface
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 09:54:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16721136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tis_I_A_Small_Weirdo/pseuds/Tis_I_A_Small_Weirdo
Summary: Eli is an inn owner faced with the daily struggles of being a business owner, from rowdy drunken patrons to hobos sifting through her trash and making a mess. She's in need of a strong hand to deal with the rougher side of her business, so she turns to the adventure guild for that help.





	The Sylvan Moon Inn

Eliyara grumbled as she stared at her reflection in the mirror with her good, right blue eye. Her left brown eye was swollen over with purple flesh, throbbing and burning. Carefully, the Elven girl leaned down and under the sink basin pulled out her basket of medicines, digging through the bandages and birth control until she could find the unlabeled jar of thick, purplish jelly that sat at the bottom. Unscrewing the golden lid, she used two finger to scoop up the remaining bit of the medicinal jelly and smeared it over her eye, cringing at the feeling of the cool medicine on the fresh impact site. Eventually though, she felt the magiks doing their job, no longer was her eye on fire. Slowly, she could open here eye to see an admittedly blurry vision of the world, but she could see nonetheless.

Delicate ears twitching as she heard tomcats yowl in the back alley way, Eli left her personal restroom and bedroom and trudged down the stairs to the main floor of the inn, stomach quickly sinking as she could see the state her business was in.

A good half of the chairs and barstools were broken. Easily replaceable, but at her expense. Less cheap to replace, much less fix was the tables, made of wood from the Feywild’s none of the human’s appreciated, and were happy to stain with liquor and vomit. Three of them were broke, two into many pieces, and one someone had been slammed into, splitting it in half. That poor soul was still passed out in the remains, his arm cracked in a precarious looking angle and a few teeth scatter from whoever delivered the lucky punch. Beer and vomit and blood created massive puddles on the floor, while cold air rushed in from a broken stained glass window. The stage was a mess too, the curtains torn off the ceiling and the piano… She didn’t even want to think about how much that would cost to fix!

As she examined the mess in front of her, eye throbbing as she recalled how a simple suggestion of ‘taking it outside’ resulted in this destruction she would need to clean up before bed. As she heard the hobos in the back alley rifling through her garbage, something she’d also need to clean before she’d be allow slumber, else the guards would get on her case. As she heard the clock at the center of town chime twice as moonbeams filtered in through the broken windows. Eliyara could only come up with one thought.

“I need help.”

…

"TEN THOUSAND GOLD?!?!?!”

“Heilen! There’s no need to shout. Considering nearly everything needed fixed after that night, that’s a pretty fair price to pay.” Eli scolded her fellow-fair haired elf, not looking up from the letter she was dutifully writing. She didn’t need to look up to know what Heilen’s surprised face looked like after all, she’d seen it many times before. His handsome blue eyes blown up to comical proportions while he yanked at his hair, probably pulling more than a few locks out of that well-kept ponytail of his. With just the two of them on the main floor, his words echoed in the empty space, new tables and chairs shoved off in the corner while multi-colored light danced over the floor thanks to the new stained glass window.

“I would very much think there is reason to shout, Eliyara! How many months of profit is that?! Seven?! All of that gone in one night, because of a drunken fight?!” The nobleman exclaimed, starting to swoon and steady himself by sitting on one of the new barstools that decorated her inn. “Eliyara, there is no way I can allow you, as your friend, to continue this. You are an Elf. You were not made to serve these common folks! Especially not any that would dare lay their hands on you. And this has been fourth time his season this has happened... Gods… What if one of them had a sword, Eliyara? You could have died!”

“You read too many fantasy novels! No one would dare hurt me,” She told her elder, glancing up from her rough common writing to look into his worried eyes with her own confident gaze. “Besides, what would I do without this inn, and what would this town do without me? Like it or not, I’m the best inn-owner in all of Stathwick!”

“And that confidence has clearly gone to your head. You can’t realize when you've been outmatched or in danger.” Heilen muttered, making Eli roll her eyes. Ever the ‘optimist’ and ‘carefree’ one, her friend.

“Besides, I’ve already got a solution in mind.” Eli said as she finally set down her ink quill.

“Oh?”

“Ta-daa!” Eli said as she turned the letter to face him, where he could read in rough writing: ‘HELP WANTED: GUARD FOR INN.’ “I’m going to send this off and hire an adventurer from the adventures guild!”

“WHAT?! Okay, now you’ve really gone mad!” Heilen exclaimed, leaning over the bar and staring her directly in the face. “First off, adventurers are complete and utter brutes! I’d never let you near one of those goblin-hacking barbarians! Second, board and pay regardless, no adventurer is going stay in one place forever! Third-”

Eli silenced Heilen by placing her finger over his lips, quickly silencing her fellow Elven.

“I know you’re nervous, but I’ll be fine. This is my business to run after all, I have to be the one to make these decisions. I may still be a child, I know my short hair and ‘the fact I dress like a boy’ as you say doesn’t help either, but I’ll be fine.” She said gently, watching with a small smile as Heilen fell back into his seat with a silent pout, tapping his finger lightly on the bartop as she pulled out a glass for him.

“I’d just feel better knowing you were with people I could trust or with me is all.” Heilen said as Eli poured him a glass of wine. “We do have an opening in our caravan, and we’re setting out tomorrow. I think you’d make a beautiful merchant.”.

“You know I can’t barter to save my life! Besides, I’m a homebody and this inn is my home.” Eli said, corking the bottle back up and putting it back in it’s shelf, wiping her hands off on her pant.

“Maybe so…” He said, sipping his wine and tracing his finger tip around the edge. Eli turned her back to him and began washing the dishes, the only sound between the two being the clinking of dishes and sloshing of water in the wash basin. Before eventually, Heilen spoke up. “If you won’t come as a merchant… Maybe you’d come as a bride?”

Eli froze, her back kept to Heilen as all went dead quite. Outside one could hear the shouts of children and calling of animals, merchants screaming their wares to the world as carriages trotted through town. The air became thick, tension unbroken as a drop of sweat fell from Eli’s nose and dripped into the wash basin.

“I’m too young.” Eli eventually said.

“We can get engaged, and when you turn 100 we can officially wed.” Heilen said.

All fell silent again, for many minutes before Eli finally spoke up again, “I’m sorry, Heilen. I can’t give this place up. And I don’t… and you don’t….”

“I know, Eliyara. I just want the best for you. I promise.” Eli felt a hand on her shoulder and looked to see Heilen had moved to stand behind her, a comforting smile on his face.

“Sneaky fucker.” She teased him, feeling the tension lift out of the air with his reassurance. She pulled the call elf into a hug, feeling his freeze up as her dishwater soaked hands landed on his noble garb, before he hugged back. He smelled of vanilla and damselroot, the sign of high class merchant, his spices rubbing off on him. And he was so much taller than her, even by elven standards. And being short by the standards of Elves only made it even more apparent.

After hugging it out and finishing up their talk of this and that and what alcohols he would bring her from the Cirque Coast, she bid him farewell. Finishing up her dishes and wiping her hands off on her apron, Eli excitedly folded up her request into a letter and rushed to the guild hall, excited to see who would answer her call!

…

Eli weaved through the streets of Stathwick, a small grey cloak pulled over her body to protect her from the rain as it came down in sheets. In her pocket she felt the letter she received crumple against her thigh. She got it just this morning, alerting her some folks were interested in answering her request. With no one being at the inn yet aside from a single elderly gentleman who didn’t seem like the type to steal alcohol, who had yet to rise from bed, Eli lock up to go and get this done. Cobblestone damp beneath her feet, she eventually same to a massive stone structure. A keep in once ancient times, now a guild hall with the emblem of a sword, staff, and shield hanging above massive double doors. Carefully, she brushed against the heavy doors and slipped in.

She was greeted with the sound of music and scent of cooking meats. She looked around, seeing men and women of all types wandering about the room. On a makeshift stage a cluster of bards dance and sung their hearts out, playing with such grace while their fellow adventurers cheered them on! There was a line of men and women near hole cut out in the wall, where beyond Eli could see a kitchen. Sitting at the many tables strewn about, more varieties of people than Eli had seen in one place in her life were gathered. And finally, the left wall of the building seemed to be nothing but a massive bulletin board, with paper after paper was posted and half the rooms population seemed to be, scouting out jobs.

Spying a receptionist's desk in the back of the room, Eli pulled down her hood and made her way towards it. She saw a short dwarven woman with lovely eyes and thick, full red beard writing down in a massive book. Once she got close, the Dwarven women put the book away and neatly folded her hands over the desk and greeted her, “Hallo! What bring you to us today, ma’am?”

“Hello! I actually got this letter saying there was someone who wanted to accept my job?” Eli pulled out the partially wet letter, and the woman nodded.

“Oh, yes! That was the inn job, current? And you wished to interview all the applicants before making a decision?” The receptionist asked, pulling out a different book from the one before and began reading through a list of names..

“Yes, I would, please.” Eli said, putting her hands behind her back.

“Makes sense since you are providing board after all. Don’t want party animals ruining the other guest’s night after all! Here,” The dwarven woman said and with a bit of a huff hopped off her tall chair and around the desk, stroking her beard. “Since it's your first time with us, allow me to escort you around and introduce you to the adventurer’s interest in the job!”

“Oh, thank you!” Eli said, internally sighing as she followed the receptionist through the sea of people. She would have had no idea how she was going to find all those people who applied for her job if that list of names seemed to have anything to say about it.

At first things seemed promising. A wide range of adventurers seemed to apply to her job in terms of level and skill and the receptionist had given each applicant a copy of the rules Eli provided with her request, so they would know what would and would not be allowed at the inn. But very quickly things went downhill. Many of the applicants were beginner adventurers that just wanted to work part-time and stay and guard when they weren’t adventuring, or assumed they would just need to stand outside the doors. Some outright refused after having read the rules or ‘couldn’t make promises’ they could keep them. Some were veterans who wanted to try and barter with her, saying they could provide much more security and services than anyone else if she was willing to pay a little more. Those that were okay tended to be spellcasters, and with the amount of brutes and muscle that visited her tavern she didn’t trust them to last long or intimidate anyone. And those with the traits and skills she desired were either shady or haughty or just had some aspect to their personality that rubbed her the wrong way. As they neared the end of the list, it wasn’t looking too good.

“Hmmm, next is…” As the receptionist flipped through her book, Eli looking over her shoulder, the roaring of cheers and hollering made Eli look toward the corner of the room

She saw a muscular human man sitting on one side of the table, elbow propped up on the wood as another man sat across from him to try and arm wrestle. He wore leather armor lined with fur and tattoos seemed to cover his hairy arms, a massive battle axe strapped to his lower back. He yawned as the man across from him went red faced in a feeble attempt to push his opponent’s hand to the table, only to be flung across the room by the tattooed man. As the crowd around him cheered, he shrugged with a snarky smile, and chugged from an ale glass.

“Excuse me,” Eli tapped the dwarf receptionist on her shoulder to get her attention before pointing to the tattooed man. “Who is he?”

“Oh, that’s Relmoc. He’s our local, and only, intermediate barbarian.” She said, glancing between Eli, Relmoc, and her book.

“Did he apply for my job?” Eli asked.

“Well, yes but…” The receptionist shifted a bit awkwardly. “He’s had… complaints filed against him. I’d recommend looking at another adventurer like-”

“What kind of complaints?” Eli interpreted, unable to take her eyes off Relmoc. He seemed so strong...

“Eh, they’re honestly so far-fetched I’m not sure if I believe them myself.” The receptionist admitted. “Things like-”

Suddenly the ding of a bell filled the air and the receptionist closed her book. “Oh! Please excuse me real quick, an adventurer must want to take a job!” She said and began waddling off.

“No trouble! Take your time…” Eli said, waiting until the woman was out of sight to start weaving toward the table to Relmoc. Pushing her way through the crowd surrounding him, she could get a better look at him, particularly his hair and tattoos. His hair was a grey-purple in shade, almost best described as lilac and he had a stubble across his face. And his tattoos were a combination of animals and runes, intermingled with each other and going up his arm until the ducked underneath his armor. Eli wouldn’t be surprised if he was covered in them.

“Excuse me.” Eli said, catching the man’s attention as he looked up from his ale.

“Eh? Whaddaya want?” He asked, voice deep and gravely.

“My name is Eliyara, and you are Relmoc, right? You applied to work at my inn?” Eli asked, pushing her way in to sit right next to him. He was taller than Eli, no surprise, but shorter than Heilan. “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Just so I can get a feel for you?”

“Oh right, that job. Sure, sure. OY!” He suddenly turned and barked at the crowd, scaring Eli stiff in surprise. “GET OUTTA HERE, PLAY TIMES OVER!”

Grumbling, the crowd of men and women wandered off, leaving Eli and Relmoc alone to discuss. He turned to face her better, allowing Eli to see his clear grey eyes.

‘He has some lung’s on him, that’s good to know.’ Eli thought to herself before coughing to focus herself again. “So, why did you apply for my job?”

“I’m not a part of a group like most adventurers and I’m not loyal to anyone, or looking for fame or glory. I’m in this business for the dosh, and don’t want to travel far for it. So getting a free room and pay for guarding an inn? That’s a steal.” He said, knocking back the last bit of his ale with a pleased sigh.

“Okay, can you ensure me you’ve read the rules and can promise to adhere to them?”

“Aye, I haven’t found a lady friend yet, so until then I can promise I’ll be as a quite as a mouse! And if I do find a girl I like, well, I imagine a nice inn like your’s has thick walls, don’ it?” He said, nudging Eli in the ribs as he chuckled.

“What are your skills?” Eli asked, eyeing is axe.

“Skullcleaving and ass-kicking.” He said with a shit-eating grin, patting his massive bicep and Eli could swear for a moment, she saw his eyes flash with light. “Beyond that though, I can build a fire, know how to hunt, and used to do some furniture work before I realized my master was bullshit. I’m also told I’m scary, but I prefer calling it ‘acquired charm.’”

“Alright. How-”

“Gods, lass, are we playing twenty questions or somethin’ here? At this rate your inn’ll be closed before you can hire me!” He said, and for his teasing tone, Eli could not help but get flustered and red faced, making the man smile much to her chagrin.

“I’m getting there!” in the back of her mind, the receptionist words echoed. Before she could stop herself, Eli was already asking, “I was told there are some complaints about you from previous employers. May I ask why?”

“Complaints, huh?” Relmoc said, scratching his chin as he began thinking. “Maybe destruction of property? That’s all that comes to mind really. Besides stealing ladies heart’s like yourself~”

Eli rolled her eyes at his bravado, but it did win him a small smile. At which he seemed to grin it. While brutish, she did like his personality and he had clear strength to back himself up. Now she just needed to see if was able to use it with a good work ethic.

“So we gotta deal, Miss Eliyara? Or you gonna look at some of those other weaklings I saw ya chatting with earlier?” Relmoc asked and held out his hand. With a smile, she took it but before she could speak, Relmoc let out a massive belch, one that caused Eli to cough and double over in surprise. It reeks of ale and meat, sounding wet and right from the gut. Relmoc just laughed meanwhile, giving Eli a hard pat on the back as he stood up.

“Sorry about that lass! Couldn’t help myself. I’ll go gather my stuff and you can tell the receptionist ya found your man!”

…

“And here you go.” Eli said as she unlocked the door to what would now be Relmoc’s room, which had a simple one bed, a nightstand, dresser, and vanity. It had no window, but a lovely painting hanging above the bed. “My room is right next door. The bathroom is at the other end of the hall but, any time you need to shower just tell me and I’ll unlock my bedroom so you can use my shower. I hope this is okay for you.”

“It’s fine, Eliyara.” Relmoc said as he went over to the vanity. From his large bag, the first thing he pulled out and set up was a small jewelry case. It somewhat surprised Eli, but it made sense. The man was covered in piercings and jewelry from the looks of it, from a septum ring to some sort of leather, tribal necklace with beads. “If it can hold my fat arse, it’s perfect.”

“Alright, but if you have any problems don’t hesitate to tell me. And call me Eli, everyone does.” Eli said, tossing Relmoc the key after he turned around and turning to leave. “You can just rest up today but if you want to work just come on down and take a seat wherever you like.”

After ensuring Relmoc was set up, Eli quickly hopped downstairs and flipped the wooden ‘closed’ sign in her window to ‘open.’ She needed to make up for lost time, after all. Considering the rainy weather, today was honestly the perfect day for Relmoc to get used to his job, not many people would be coming in and out. And Relmoc seemed to think this as well, as shortly after Eli came down he followed, sitting himself in the corner of the bartop. Within the first few hours of opening, only three folks came in, just some travelers looking to get warm grub while the old man from the night before checked out. Relmoc kept his eyes peeled, but since it was a slow day he clearly wasn’t too invested.

The afternoon passed much like the morning, and it was only in the evening things finally picked up. A group of nobles looking to get shitfaced before hitting up the whore house. Some soldiers in training who wanted to shoot the wind over a couple of ales. A bard with more jangle to his jingles rather than his purse. A few passing by stragglers coming in after a hard day’s work. Smaller than the usual crowd, but good practice for Relmoc. And in Eli’s eyes, he was passing with flying colors. He caught the bard before he could abscond with a tip one of the noble’s left for Eli and kicked out one of the nobles who was harassing a poor farm girl. He even stopped someone from leaving without their bag. All simple things, but good to show Eli he wouldn’t need much instruction on what to do. As the night finally wound down, Eli changed the open sign to closed, and turned to face Relmoc.

“After a busier night you’d need to come outside with me and take the trash out, scare away the homeless from making a mess, but since it was slow today there’s no need.” She said as she walked behind the bartop, filling the water basin to start washing the few dishes left over from the day.

“Does this mean I can get my ales now?” Relmoc asked, turning to face her rather than the room as a whole. Eli couldn't help but giggle, pulling two mugs out from under the counter and turning to the massive barrels to fill them up.

“You remember the fine print~” Eli remarked, sliding him the two ale’s over the bartop, and he caught one with each hand!

“A man remembers everything about his one true love.” He joked, taking a massive swig. The clinking of dishware and gulping of alcohol filled the air as both of them unwound from a long day of easy work, filling the room with a comfortable silence. As Eli heard Relmoc sharpening his axe, he eventually asked,

“So how does a young lass like you come to be the only one working at a nice in like this?”

“Ah, my father owned and ran this inn. My mother was an adventurer who died when I was a babe, and my dad died 10 years ago from sickness. I’ve been running this place since.” Eli said, rinsing the sudsy glassware in fresh hot water.”

“Ten years ago…” Relmoc repeated, seeming flabbergasted. “I… Gods, yer one tough cookie. I was a little shit, running around playin’ pranks when I was that age. I can’t imagine running an inn.”

“Oh, it’s not so bad.” She said, starting to dry the dishes with a handcloth.

“And how old are you know?”

“Fifty-six.”

Eli almost dropped her plate as she suddenly heard ale splash everywhere and Relmoch heaving! She turned to see him hunched over, pounding his chest desperately for air until finally a violent gasp tore through him! He look at Eli with somewhat bloodshot, almost-angry eyes and exclaimed “That’s some damn good joke, little Eli! There’s no way your that old! I’m only 25 and you look, what? Twenty, eighteen even?”

“Oh my- I am totally 56!” Eli exclaimed, face going red with a pout as she reached up to push her blonde hair out of the way, revealing her long and delicate ears. “I’m an elf, you dork!”

“...oh.” Relmoch uttered, sitting back down as Eli wiped up the ale he spilled. “Didn’t realize you had that kinda blood.”

“Yeah, one of my friends thinks it’s ‘sacreligious’ to let my hair cover my ear but I don’t care.” Eli said as she refilled his spilled mug. “I mean, all people need to know is that we serve good Elven food and good Elven ale here. ‘Doesn't matter whose serving it or whose having it as long as it’s good,’ like my dad use to say. He may have built this place specifically for Elvenkind to get a taste of home, but he wanted everyone to be able to experience a little bit of the Elven lifestyle.”

“This is Elven then, eh?” Relmoc asked as he swished the amber liquid around in his cup.

“Yup, everything I serve comes from the Elven countries.” Eli beamed with pride, watching was Relmoc took a massive chug of his tankard, letting out a massive belch as he finished, making Eli cough a little even from her distance away from him, the smell disgusting her.

“It’s damn good stuff then!” Relmoc said with a grin, handing his mugs off to Eli as he stood up. Before he turned to leave however, a thoughtful expression crossed his face and in a surprisingly soft tone, he admitted, “Honestly, I thought this job was going to be a load of bull. Like the boss would be some rich fart who just needed someone to protect his whore or performers or something, scare the common folk away from the nice places. You, you have something nice here though. And I’ll help you keep it nice, I promise.”

Eli looked to Relmoc in complete shock. From his brutish nature so far, she hadn’t expected him to sound so earnest about… anything, really. So hearing him say something so serious surprised the elf. But nonetheless, she smiled said as she felt. “That makes me happy. Thank you, Relmoc.”

…

About two months passed and Relmoc had become a staple of the inn. Typical roughhousers and harassers either stayed in their place or no longer showed up, and those who dare to step out of line were quickly flung back into the streets. More than once Relmoc stopped a fight before it began, something she was incredibly grateful for. Eli noticed a spike in female patronage as well, no doubt from Relmoc’s presence. The man had a rough charm to him, even Eli had to admit. He would wander about the floor and talk with patrons even, sometimes sitting down and shooting the wind with local guards or passing adventurers, or flirt with the local ladies. He had become as much a common presence in this inn as she was. And a tradition has bloomed between the two, as Eli did the dishes and Relmoc enjoyed his three nightly ales (she had promised to increase the amount as she got a better feel for his alcohol tolerance) they would talk about anything everything, from Relmoc’s various adventures to the strange guests Eli’s had visit.

Since then, the two had learned a lot about each other. Eli spoke of her worship of the Hearthkeeper, an elven god well-known to be protectors of homes and merchants. Relmoc apparently worshiped a pantheon of gods called The Great Beasts, animal spirits that embodied various aspects of the human soul. Whereas Eli grew up in Stathwick her whole life, Relmoc traveled the wilderness with his dad, a fisherman by trade but ranger by heart. She even learned where his odd colored hair came from, how his mother was a wizard who got a little to potion happy with testing her brews on herself, leading to him being born with (thankfully) only this one side effect. Honestly, Eli could get lost just hearing all the stories Relmoc had to offer and it helped the man loved boasting about himself.

On a cold autumn evening, as she scrubbed a massive cooking pot, she heard from the back alley Relmoc shouting and cussing! Moments later the barbarian entered, staring down at his completely stained leather armor and pants, smelling like death.

“One of those little fucks threw up all over me!” He exclaimed, shaking some of the bile off his hands. Eli cringed, the smell wafting through the air. One thing that had changed since Relmoc’s arrive is that he took out the trash now, since most of the urchins would try and actually attack or knock Eli over to get hold of the garbage. They weren’t stupid enough try that with Relmoc, but they did employ different tactics, all of which failed and only made the barbarian more pissed off at them.

“Here,” Eli took her room key out of her pocket and tossed it to Relmoc. “Go change and take a shower in my room.”

“Thank you, Eli.” Relmoc sighed in relief and trudged up the stairs. From above as she put clean plates and glasses away, Eli could hear the running of water and Relmoc humming some kind of tune. ‘He has a lovely voice.’ Eli thought to herself, taking off her apron and looking down at her own clothes. It had been a busy day, as such she was stained with red wine and juices from cooking. Read to change out of her trousers and shirt, the barmaid slowly climbed up the stairs, feet dragging through the halls as she made it to her room.

Eli froze in place as she opened the door, eyes wide. Steam was gently flooding from the bathroom, Relmoc standing in the door frame.

All he had on was a towel, wrapped tightly around his waist. Eli was treated to the sight of the barbarian’s whole body, seeing the intricate tattoos that typically laid hidden beneath his armor and the scars that ran over them. His odd-colored hair lacked its usual few decorative braids, causing it all to flow over his shoulders. The man was completely shredded, having only a small layer of fat on his gut from his love of ale and had just enough hair to be manly, but not enough to look like like he was some kind of werebear. She could fully see his hulking, 6'1 frame now.

The two stared at each other in complete silence for but a moment, Eli stuck in the door frame while Relmoc was dripping wet, water trailing down his chest and abs. Finally, Relmoc snickered and smiled, finally making his way to push past Eli. “Sorry, Eli! Thanks for letting me use your shower, hope the view was more than enough to pay you back.”

As Relmoc returned to his room, Eli couldn’t help but stare at him as he left. Water drops were trailed down his back until they reached the towel wrapped tightly around his ass. The fabric was held on tight, giving Eli a good defined look at the man’s firm buttocks. ‘His ass is perfect.’ Eli thought, horrified of the blush that came from her realization. As soon as she recovered, Eli slammed her door closed and covered her mouth with her hand in embarrassment, unable to not think of how… godly, Relmoc looked. She was never one for pretty men but Relmoc… He was gorgeous in just the right way. Eli hated to think how jealous she could be of a towel, but here she was.

Eli took a breath to compose herself, only to erupt into a coughing fit. Gods, what was stinking up her room?! It smelled like pure sewage, raw and fresh. Breathing shallowly, Eli made her way to the bathroom, and took a shallow sniff of the air. Eli began coughing once more, confirming her suspicions with horror. Relmoc helped himself to her toilet as well, and the bastard didn’t flush.

…

It was a busy night, it was the weekend after all. Everyone was looking to escape the hard work of the day and spend some of their hard earned gold on a good time. Keeping a smile up throughout the night, Eli rushed between tables and patrons, carrying more drinks and plates of food on platters than rouges carried knives. Relmoc was busy himself, sitting near the stage to push away any drunken bastard foolish enough to try and reach the dancer on stage, her beautiful red dress shimmering in the light, golden jewelry accentuating her curves and grace. The clutter and chatter never died down, dishes and gold piling up behind the counter. A welcome sight, considering her recent repairs.

As Eli poured in a whopping 50 gold from a noble into her drawer, she grabbed two tankards of hard cider and moved to rush them over to a lovely couple near the back. Before she could even get 10 feet away from the bar however, a man forcibly grabbed her forearm and upped her close, nearly making her spill her drinks everywhere. The man was clearly a farmhand, his hands and skin rough and weathered. She could smell the alcohol coming from his crooked mouth before he even spoke, while his mates chuckled at the sight of the two of them. “Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there, elfie.”

“I’m sorry, sir?” Eli asked, quickly trying to wrack her brain for what she did in the past five minutes. Everything honestly blended together in the evening rush.

“You stole mah damn gold, right in front of me!” The man growled, bald head gleaming in the light as he pointed to a corner of the table… where a handwritten receipt sat.

“Sir, that was the gold you set out to pay for your tab-” Eli said, unsure why she was trying to reason with a drunkard. The man suddenly burst from onto his feet! His fat gut nearly pushing Eli over as his chair clattered to the ground, catching the attention of a few people. He towered over Eli as he shouted for the entire inn to hear, “I KNOW WHAT I SAW YA THIEVING LIL’ SYLVAN BITCH!”

Eli glanced over to Relmoc, who was already making his way over with a grim expression on his face. Eli turned to the growling man, trying to steady her pounding heart and look serious as she calmly, quietly said, “Sir, this is your last chance. Please sit down or you will be removed from the bar.”

Eli didn’t remember what exactly happened after that. Her head was pounding, vision blurred and spinning as she sat on the ground in a puddle of cider. She was covered in the stuff, even feeling it drip down her face from her burning nose and the back of her head, which felt equally as hot. She couldn’t breath through her nose, any attempt to only resulted in such a pain that made her cry and shout on instinct. There were silhouettes of people around her, crouched down but their faces were mixed-up, eyes tilted and twisting and mouths like squiggly lines. She could see Relmoc a few feet away slamming a man’s head over and over and over again into as table until his face was just red, and someone had to hold him back from doing it more. People were talking but all she heard in her ears was ringing. She brought her hand to her face to wipe away some of the cider, only to see it was red and thick instead of amber and thin. Tears running down her face, she let her torso fall to the ground, her last sight being a table edge dripping with red as her eyes rolled back into her skull.

…

Eli groaned as she awoke, eyes feeling heavy with sleep and crust. She sat up slowly, muscles aching. She felt like she had slept for an eternity, the gross feeling of waking up after a rough nights sleep sticking to her. Bringing a hand to her face to wipe away the gunk from her eyes, she gasped through a dry mouth as she realized a massive bandage was plastered to her face.

“Good, you’ve woken up.” Eli looked over to see a doctor caring for another man whose entire head was wrapped in bandages. He then held up two fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Two…? What happened?” She asked as she pulled her legs over the edge of the bed, reaching over for a glass of water that rested on the stand next to her.

“This man right here punched you, ended up sending you falling back into a table and cracking your head wide open after he broke your nose. And, according to witnesses, your guard nearly beat the man to a bloody pulp and brought him here with you.” The doctor explained, sitting down in front of her on a nearby chair. “Thankfully he brought you here in just the nick of time. With some work and magic, we’ve fixed you up good as new, your nose won’t have even the slightest dent in it.”

“Relmoc brought me here?” Eli asked, rather surprised to hear that.

“Yes, and he was quite worried about you too.”

“...When can I leave?”

Thankfully the bandages were just over her to help with the healing of a few stitches from cuts in her nose. After the doctor helped with taking her bandages off and getting her to her feet, she paid the bill and made her way back to the inn. The windows were dark and through the tinted glass she could see the chairs set up on the table, as though no one was there. Door creaking, she quietly stepped in. The air was thick with silence, it felt so surreal, stepping into her own inn like a patron during the middle of the day, and the room being silent and dark. From above she could hear the pounding of feet. As she neared the stairs, from beyond the railing of the second of the floor she could see Relmoc, at first looking stern before his face softened.

Faster than what Eli could think was possible, the man rushed down the stairs! When she expect him to stop, he instead continued and she was suddenly wrapped in a massive hug! He was warm, her head easily rested against his chest. He smelled like a pleasant campfire and mint, his armor soft and worn. Eli allowed her eyes to flutter shut and she leaned into his hug, feeling sad as he pulled away. Relmoc placed his massive hands on both her shoulder and looked right into her eyes and asked with a tone so serious, she’d never expect it to some from him, “Are you alright?”

“Of course.” Eli said, unable to stop a small smile on her face. “I knew you’d protect the bar.”

“... Ya dumb lass.” Eli suddenly felt Relmoc’s massive hand on the top of her skull, gently ruffling her hair. “I was protecting you, not the bar!”

“I know, but-!”

“But nothing! Lass, this bar could burn to the ground for all I care. But you, I’ll stick around for you. You’re the hardest working, nicest little lady I’ve ever met.”

Eli looked into Relmoc’s eyes as he said this. Behind them, where she’d typically see his unbridled joy for life or rage, she say tender fondness. His cheeks were aglow with a soft blush, one that Eli couldn’t help but mirror. Without much of another word, she wrapped her arms around his massive trunk and leaned against him. She felt his chest seize up, breath caught in in his lungs. But soon after, his muscular arms wrapped around her slender form as well, and the two stood them for some time. Eli felt Relmoc eventually bring his finger up to stroke her hair. Eli, feeling brave, trailed her hands down to his ass. His chest shook as he chuckled, and his hand curled under her chin to bring her face up to look at his.

“Getting a tad frisky there, aren’t cha?”

“What can I say, I don't think we’ve ever had just a moment to ourselves in this building since you’ve come here.” Eli chuckled, placing a hand on his chest and gently tapping her index finger against him. “I also don’t think I’ve even had a chance to cook a meal for you. And I mean personally, I’ve only ever cooked for you during a food rush. Since I don’t think I’ll open the inn today, why don’t I make us a real meal?”

“I’d love that.” Relmoc said, pushing Eli’s golden bangs up to kiss her on the forehead.

He pulled away to start setting up a table for the both of them, while Eli ducked into the back, starting to cook up a big meal for the both of them. Relmoc made himself useful, wandering about the bar as well as Eli, grabbing plates and glasses and silverware. Finishing much quicker than Eli was with her task, Relmoc joined her in the kitchen, helping her with whatever she asked, from handing her items to checking on the turkey in the oven. After an hour or two, the inn smelled of delicious chicken and stew and Eli set out in front of both of them a massive spread with a large cooked chicken and veggie noodle soup, paired with some cooked greens and big tankards of ale.

“Bottoms up!” Relmoc said, hoisting up his tankard. With a big smile Eli grabbed hers and leaned over the table to clank her glass against his. Sitting back down she brought the tankard to her lips and began drinking, chugging, gulp by gulp, relishing the cool flavor of ale rushing down her throat. Soon, she reached the bottom of her glass and with a massive sigh slammed her glass back on the table. She glanced across to Relmoc, who had a deep blush and look of astonishment on his face, his own tankard only three-fourth empty. Before he smiled and teased, “I think you just beat me at my own game lass.”

“Hehe, sorry.” She said, feeling embarrassed.

“Don’t be! Glad to see a girl that can handle her liquor.” He chuckled.

The evening went on as usual, Eli and Relmoc sharing jeers and tales and good times. The meal was so large they just kept talking and talking, munching on the home cooked meal until the sun was finally nearing the horizon, alighting the sky with brilliant golden oranges and ambers. Speaking of amber, the two had downed many glasses of ale and by the time the meal could officially be considered ‘over,’ both were red in the face with tipsiness and had moved each other’s chairs to sit next to one another.

“All I’m sayin’ is your rack is tiny.”

And had moved on to more lewd topics.

“Nonexistent even.” Relmoc chuckled, making grabby gestures with his hands over his own hands. “Couldn’ grab onto them even if I tried!”

“Oh hush!” Eli said, playfully slapping his arm. “I may be slimmer than even the most graceful elf, but at least I’ve got hips that put even humans to shame!”

“Aye, that ya do.” Relmoc chuckled. “You’re ass does all your talking for ya. I love watchin’ ya walk back and forth, serving tables during rush hour. Meanwhile my ass-” Relmoc lifted up his left leg slightly and let out a bubbly fart and laugh, one that made Eli laugh and wave her hand in front of her nose while Relmoc joined her. “That’s the only kind of talking my ass does. Your food is great but damn does it stir my bowels!”

“Gross!” Eli said, giggling madly while using her hand to filter the stench. With half-lidded eyes, she leaned against his arm, wrapping her own around it and cuddling against him. “But I will say… Your ass is the best.”

“Oh~?” Relmoc purred.

“When you borrowed my shower and left. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, especially when you were walking away. Your ass… If I had been your towel, I wouldn’t have let go for anything~”

“In that case…” Relmoc with all his strength hoisted Eli into his lap! Leaning in to nuzzle her, she moaned as his stubble rubbed against her neck. She gasped as his hot breath rolled over her skin and he whispered. “Would you like to get a personal experience with that part of me?”

“I’d like to get a personal experience of ALL of you…” Eli groaned, leaning her face closer towards him. Fluttering her eyes shut, she pressed her lips against his. His large warm hands tangled into her hair, twirling the short locks around his finger tips as she licked her tongue over his to ask for entrance. He opened his lips and Eli slid her tongue in. Both lashed and licked at each other, tongues intertwining and sucking at one another. Eli and Relmoc pulled away from one another, a small trail of saliva connecting their lips.

Nothing else was said as Relmoc pulled Eli up into a bridal carry and rushed up the stairs, nearly tripping over his own feet as he ran to his room. He jostled with the door knob, struggling to open it with Eli in his arms. From this angle, Eli saw his eyes flash white as he kicked the door in! The sound of cracking wood and metal didn’t stop Relmoc as her threw Eli on the bed, growling nearly as he nuzzled her neck and collarbone, making Eli gasp she felt him nip her skin.

“I’m going to make you mine… I’ve met a lot of girl but… You’re the only one I’ve wanted to do more than just fuck with…” Her whispered, sitting up and shedding his leather studded armor. She heard him kickoff his boots and watched as he dropped his trousers. In just these tight white briefs he got on the bed over her, hands on either side of her head and legs straddling around her waist. “I’m going to make you shriek.”

“I want to, too… This is fast but I can handle it.” She moaned wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself up, nuzzling and sinking her teeth into his shoulder, leaving a nice hickey between two prominent tattoos. “Don’t hold back.” She whispered in his ear.

“You’ll regret that.” He said, a devious smile appearing on his lips, showing off two wolf-like canines.

Relmoc reached up and grabbed her wrist, holding them. With a smirk and some maneuvering he soon was sitting on her torso, his ass right on top of her stomach. This close, Eli could see how old and worn his briefs were a few suspicious stains and holes right along the crack. Eli raised a brow, but it was quickly replaced by a look of pleasure as she felt his hand worm his way into his pants, fingers stroking her slit through her panties.

“Heh, sensitive, aren’t cha?” He said, before his stomach let out a vicious roar that made him groan. “Don’t worry, I am too.”

Eli felt a burst of hot air stream out onto her gut towards her face. She gasped and shouted, “Relmoc!” before erupting into a cough that became a moan as his fingers stroked her harder. Relmoc just laughed, a little puff of air escaping his ass as he did, only adding to the stench in the air.

“Don’t worry,” He assured her, a massive thundering gale escaping from between his cheeks as he said this. “You get used to it.”

Eli shifted and groaned, the eggy and fetid scent swirling around her head. Trying to hold her breath was impossible with Relmoc fingering her, eliciting moans she couldn’t stop from her throat as ever slowly, she got wetter and wetter. A massive ‘BRRP!’ hit her right in the gut, making her gasp and squirm with little effect. While his whole weight wasn’t on her, it was enough to hold her in place.The gas spread over her her body and into the air, creeping up over her hard nipples and right to her face. The skin right where he was farting on was burning hot, slowly accumulating sweat while she watched his underwear flutter from gas and jiggle with each release.

“AH!” Eli couldn’t help but scream as Relmoc found her clit, giving it a flick before slowly circling it with her finger. Eli squirmed and gasped, the air was so bad but she couldn't help it, practically huffing in the barbarian’s fumes as quickly as he released them as he stroked that sensitive little nub. Eli felt tears pinching the corner of her eyes, both from the disgusting stench and the pleasure of it all, it was almost too much.

Eli felt Relmoc push away her panties and trousers and her ducked his head between her thighs. His ass moved only closer to her face with this, letting Eli get an even closer look at his gaseous asset. It rested just below her chin now with what Relmoc was doing, clearly making an effort to not sit on her face yet. She saw the defined sweat stain of his briefs and noted he had a hairy butt, if the hair sticking out of the holes had anything to say. And against she chest, she could feel the throbbing heat of his cock, contained by his underwear

“Oo-ooo-oh! Oh!” Eli couldn’t stop moaning, shaking as she felt Relmoc’s tongue slide over her entrance! His stubble brushing against her sensitive skin, she whined and squeezed her thighs around his head as his tongue wormed it way in, sliding in and out between her folds nearly. Her head started spinning, her loins aching and begging for more, like electricity was shooting through them!

PRRRRRRP!

But Relmoc’s ass wasn’t finished tough. If anything he seemed to get gassier, even letting out a burp right against her pussy that made her squirm and whine, hating the idea but body reacting in such pleasure to the feeling. Relmoc’s farts was nothing but disgusting, mostly wet with a few dry ones sprinkle in, stinking of sulfur, meats, milk. Just the worst things. His farts were loud too, only the occasional soft ‘puup’ and SBD punctuating loud and boisterous wet farts that went on for seconds at a time, choking her. And it was those outliers that seemed to be the worst, Relmoc grinding desperately against at one point and aligning her nose right with a hole in his underwear. The flatulence that came from it was unholy, making Eli gag as tears dropped from her eyes. Eli swore even she saw a few threads break from the fart, making the hole only wider.

She screamed as she felt him wrap his tongue around her clit, circling it and teasing her. Eli couldn’t do much to help, but Gods did she try, bouncing and thrusting her hips in the air. He laughing into her sensitive pink skin, progressively getting faster and faster! Eli’s head spun, both from the pleasure and getting high of Relmoc’s gas! He only spewed out more it seemed as Eli got more and more excited. It was all she had and she was choking on it, but she didn't care. It was too good to care.

With a final scream she came, hot muscles clamping down on Relmoc’s tongue! Eli saw stars, head lolling a bit from her first shared experience, her tongue sticking out. Perhaps a horrible idea since immediately after she was done, chest heaving for air, Relmoc let out a hot bubbly burst of flatulence that hit her tongue, making her shiver as she could feel the heat and taste it. Hearing her whine Relmoc chuckled and sat up, ass looming over her head.

“Now,” He said, lowering his old scrap of underwear to his mid-thighs. “My turn.”

Eli let out a muffled, hoarse scream as Relmoc welcomed himself to her face like a cushion. Immediately she was lost within his swampy, hairy ass. Sweat and heat stained and drenched her face, and she could feel his hands pulling apart his cheeks until finally, his anus touched the tip of her nose. Eli couldn’t breath as his entire weight rested onto her head, smothering her in dark, dank ass. Eli tried to struggle, but found her body sluggish and tired, not helping was Relmoc slowly beginning to bounce on her face, his large balls hitting her chin as he pumped his meat in rhythm, her nose smashing against his anus over and over again, drenching it in sweat.

A putrid burst of noxious gas hit her right in the nose and Eli was amazed she didn’t pass out. It was like pure toxin. Another burst erupted from his burning puckered anus, before immediately being followed by a long and droning fart that assaulted her entire senses, making her head spin and ears pop. His gross farts came one after another, seeming with no end! Eli was terrified she was going to die without fresh oxygen, his gas being the only cloud she could breath from. But she was spared from this fate as his grunts and groans got louder and pumps faster!

Eli heard and felt a roar that shook her to her very core. Relmoc’s cheeks buffeted her with gas as he finally expelled all his gas in one glorious, long fart! Her nose practically trapped in his anus with squeezed past, sending drops of sweat into her nose, making the scent even feel like it would be lodged in there forever! Her mouth was completely dry and eye felt covered in gross crust though she knew there would be none. As he finally ended she felt ropes of hot, thick liquid land on her stomach, and Relmoc’s heavy breathing as she felt something wipe it up.

Finally Relmoc got off her body, laying his massive form down beside her as he pulled the blanket over the both of them and pulled her onto his chest, lifting her bangs to kiss her on the forehead again, clearly not bothered by his stench that claimed her, and asked with a big grind, “What did you think, Eli?”

“Did you really need to fart on me?!” She asked, eyes narrowing and Eli watched as Relmoc’s eyes immediately turned to genuinely hurt and upset.

“I’m sorry, lass… I-I hope you don’t… you don’t hate me for that.” He said in such a genuinely fearful tone, Eli couldn’t help but blush and just turned away from him, pouting.

“Of course I don’t hate you but that-that was gross!” She shouted, before hearing Relmoc laugh and pull her back in to spoon her, nuzzling the back of her neck.

“Well, unfortunately your gonna have to get used to that! Cuz I love that stuff.” He said teasingly, before his face got serious as he looked into her mismatched eyes with his grey ones. “Unless of course, you really don’t want to.”

Eli crossed her legs beneath the sheets to ease he arousal, especially as she heard him slip out a final soft fart. She never thought she’d some to like this kind of thing but… “The I guess I’ll have to try then.”

Chuckling, Relmoc snuggled on up to her, using her like a big ol’ teddy bear, resting his chin atop her head. “G’ night, Eli.”

“Goodnight, Relmoc.”


End file.
